Well it happened. Twice now, actually. Okay, technically 5 times in 2 sessions :). First night was better- second time I had a lot of mental stuff I was juggling and I couldn't get out of my own head as much. But both were good. Like, if I had to choose between swoon and sa-woon it'd be sa-fuckin-woon. We broke a bed, I'm not kidding. I'm just so glad I didn't have to have one of those awkward terrible first times. Skipped that bullshit 100%. Like, I never understood why or how it was going to happen, but everyone said to expect it so I kind of was. Nope. Nopenopenope.
So anyway he made me a mix cd. Bleh. It's very raw and reflects him a little too well. I feel about it basically the same way I feel about him. There are some things I don't like, but I can accept and even like it as a complete package. But it doesn't exactly help to have the elements I don't like so obviously displayed. If that makes any sense. It's pretty much the opposite of the last mix CD a boy gave me, which is oddly appropriate.
Last CD: A revelation that he never forgot a single thing I said, as the CD was every song I'd ever told him I liked. Put together nicely as a gift for me, with nothing of him in it. (he always remained closed off from me and we never got together)
This CD: "I want you to know about me" as if he's been holding something back and wants to communicate it with this CD. It's all about him, with a lot of angst underneath but then that glossy presentation and a little cockiness thrown in. He has absolutely no idea what music I like, even though we've listened to music together quite a few times now. The fact that I like it isn't coincidental, but it's only because we happen to match well. Not because he attempted to match with me.
Which is so appropriate- we just happen to match well. Neither of us is bending for the other, at all. We happen to fit into each other's lives at this point in time, and that's it.
And he told me he's making another. What this boy needs is a therapist, seriously. He's so desperate for someone to hear him. And I did notice he's not oversharing nearly as much since we slept together. I was right in thinking that he'd keep it separate. You can't exactly express your fears of being alone to your undefined-relationship sex partner. It's tacky, at least unless we have "the talk." The talk is just implied right now, since I'm fucking leaving. Hell. I can't believe I only get 3 more weeks of sex. It's a crime.
I really don't want this next CD because with anyone else it'd imply a level of emotional closeness that I'm not looking for at this moment. But with him it might just be self-indulgent navel-gazing. Whichever it ends up being, I just don't want to know it. I want to have fun and leave the door open if/when I see him again. I don't want some twisted angsty bullshit to poison the memories. Even if both of us are willing to enter into a relationship, it's better not to go there until it's a viable option.
Basically, I want to have the best time possible while we can and create a pristine memory that we can both enjoy. And I don't want him to fuck it up!