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Nov. 23rd, 2014 @ 09:38 pm The Mixtape
Well it happened.  Twice now, actually.  Okay, technically 5 times in 2 sessions :).  First night was better- second time I had a lot of mental stuff I was juggling and I couldn't get out of my own head as much.  But both were good. Like, if I had to choose between swoon and sa-woon it'd be sa-fuckin-woon.  We broke a bed, I'm not kidding.  I'm just so glad I didn't have to have one of those awkward terrible first times.  Skipped that bullshit 100%.  Like, I never understood why or how it was going to happen, but everyone said to expect it so I kind of was.  Nope.  Nopenopenope.

So anyway he made me a mix cd.  Bleh.  It's very raw and reflects him a little too well.  I feel about it basically the same way I feel about him.  There are some things I don't like, but I can accept and even like it as a complete package.  But it doesn't exactly help to have the elements I don't like so obviously displayed.  If that makes any sense.  It's pretty much the opposite of the last mix CD a boy gave me, which is oddly appropriate.

Last CD: A revelation that he never forgot a single thing I said, as the CD was every song I'd ever told him I liked.  Put together nicely as a gift for me, with nothing of him in it.  (he always remained closed off from me and we never got together)

This CD: "I want you to know about me" as if he's been holding something back and wants to communicate it with this CD.  It's all about him, with a lot of angst underneath but then that glossy presentation and a little cockiness thrown in.  He has absolutely no idea what music I like, even though we've listened to music together quite a few times now.  The fact that I like it isn't coincidental, but it's only because we happen to match well.  Not because he attempted to match with me.

Which is so appropriate- we just happen to match well.  Neither of us is bending for the other, at all.  We happen to fit into each other's lives at this point in time, and that's it.

And he told me he's making another.  What this boy needs is a therapist, seriously.  He's so desperate for someone to hear him.  And I did notice he's not oversharing nearly as much since we slept together.  I was right in thinking that he'd keep it separate.  You can't exactly express your fears of being alone to your undefined-relationship sex partner.  It's tacky, at least unless we have "the talk."  The talk is just implied right now, since I'm fucking leaving.  Hell.  I can't believe I only get 3 more weeks of sex.  It's a crime.

I really don't want this next CD because with anyone else it'd imply a level of emotional closeness that I'm not looking for at this moment.  But with him it might just be self-indulgent navel-gazing.  Whichever it ends up being, I just don't want to know it.  I want to have fun and leave the door open if/when I see him again.  I don't want some twisted angsty bullshit to poison the memories.  Even if both of us are willing to enter into a relationship, it's better not to go there until it's a viable option.

Basically, I want to have the best time possible while we can and create a pristine memory that we can both enjoy.  And I don't want him to fuck it up! 
About this Entry
green lady
Nov. 18th, 2014 @ 12:35 am November.
So I'm stateside again and it's pretty nice all around.  This weekend was "friendsgiving" with my old friends who are now married.  Plus a bunch of other people.  Too many people, as it turned out.

Me and Jeff agreed that I've been here too long- I'm turning into a townie.  And in my town that means a full slide on all morals and standards.  He's already too far gone to save, but I might get out alive haha.  It came up because he had to call me out today.  Apparently Moose didn't tell him that he (Moose) had made out with KatieC at the wedding.  So I was talking about it because I STILL haven't stopped laughing about the fact that Katie (22) got cock-blocked by her mom.  She was getting picked up but Moose wanted her to come back to his instead, and she called her mom and ASKED HER.  And her mom said no and came and got her.  And I died laughing.  Forever.  I actually cracked up while telling Jeff the story.

Annnnddd then he was like, strangely disapproving and I didn't get why.  I was like "it wasn't the classiest wedding anyway, people were smoking pot in the back yard..."   But that wasn't the reason- he was like "Does Katie STILL not know that he cheated on her???"  And i was like "Oooohhh.... yeah nope." And his stance was that Moose should leave her alone because she probably wouldn't be making out with him and making plans like this if she knew what he did.  But that's obviously not going to happen.  If anyone should have told her (other than M) it should have honestly been Tia.  I only got to know her (against my will) this weekend.

And I noted that I just have zero expectations of Moose, in terms of that kind of thing.  So it doesn't even cross my mind anymore that it's "wrong" because if you kept track of that stuff you couldn't be friends with anyone in this town.  Including Jeff, but I'm a nice person and didn't mention that.

I honestly wouldn't have any friends here if I held other people to the moral standard that I hold myself to.  Mike snapped me all winter and I didn't say SHIT.  And it was a good thing because as soon as he saw me here, he apologized sincerely.  And watching Jeff acting terribly the minute he feels an urge.  Tia falling to the ground every time she gets 2 drinks in her.  Caroline smoking.  Ben cheating on his girl with Caroline (and everyone else) WITHOUT GETTING TESTED FOR STDs.  I can't fucking believe I had to have the "a guy you slept with might have herpes so you should get tested." talk with Caroline.  That was fucking weird but we fixed it by taking a shitty car (that ROARED every time you hit the gas) to Denny's and screaming pop punk songs the whole way.  Oh and Moose was the one who clued me into Ben's little issue so I could tell Caroline, so thanks to him I guess.  Like, he knew they'd slept together and asked me to warn her.  That can't have been comfortable for him either.  There are definitely times when he recognizes what the right thing is and manages to do it.

So where was I... we were having this chat, and Jeff was like reminding me of the time I slept over Moose's after drinking, and he was sarcastically like "well how was it?"  (the sex) and of course we didn't do it.  I fell asleep immediately and nothing happened at all.  And that was in my first month or so knowing Moose and I was still naive and not a "townie" yet.  So I said "Nothing happened, he's not an animal."  And in the car Jeff and I both agreed that, upon further acquaintance, Moose is an animal.  So I apologized to Jeff, because I've come down to the exact same level of non-expectations of people.  I can befriend the beast (and more- we'll get there) without sacrificing myself.

And you know what?  It honestly doesn't bother me.  Moose is good to me and I honestly don't care how he acts toward other people that I don't really care about.  Unless it directly affects me.

This weekend I thought it was going to affect me.  About 2 weeks out, I see that KatieC is on the guest list for the party.
1. she doesn't (didn't) like me
(I will always wonder if this was because she knew something happened at Ota and I started hanging out with him RIGHT after that, so she assumed?  It wasn't me though.  Or just because he broke up with her when we started hanging out?  She def doesn't know we made out or anything, and that was after regardless)
2. i thought it would be like the wedding, where he re-focuses on trying to get laid and it's just super annoying

We have a weird dynamic.  But it's enough of a "thing" that I don't like to stand around watching him try to get laid.  It's annoying.  And so I was like "Uggghhhh fuckin katie."  But it turned out she wasn't staying the night.  But that was the plan at the wedding too.  And she lives nearby, so he could have gone back to hers?  Maybe I'm over-thinking but the point is, it could have been figured out.  But they literally didn't even look at each other for the entire party.  I dunno what happened.  The WEIRD thing is that Katie latched onto me.  She's applying for the Korea version of my old job, so her and her friend Amanda just sat around me questioning me for like 2 hours.  So I didn't get to talk to Moose either.  We didn't even do a shot, which is like ritual at this point.  By the time Amanda and Katie left, Suz wanted to talk to me and she showed me like 100s of pictures of herself from high school.  And then the guys were going out to smoke up in Ian's car and Jeff and Moose signaled me but I said no.  And by the time they came back, they were super high and I was watching "Cute with Chris" and old Yellowcard videos with Tia and we were dancing like maniacs and no one wants any part of that haha.

So then, there are 14 people in this little apartment and we're all gonna sleep.  I claim a tiny twin bed in the guest room, and Jeff and A are on the pull-out next to me.  So there's some space.  Moose, in all his highness, sleeps next to Andrea on the converted sofa.  While her BOYFRIEND sleeps on the kitchen floor.  What???  And i know nothing happened there- so it's even more pointless.  Usually when we're partying we bunk together and cuddle.  And I'd kind of been even planning on it / hoping for it since I've been feeling pretty down and hormonal and I always feel happy when we cuddle and make out and talk about life.  But maybe he thought it would be weird since J and A were right there and J is so judgy sometimes.  Or maybe because we hadn't talked all night and it's been weeks since we partied together now.  I don't know what's going on between us honestly.  I messaged him something that was supposed to make him feel bad and give up his spot to Josh but he didn't get it at all.

What a waste of a night honestly.  I really needed him and was hoping to move forward a little even.  He's been asking me to make him this scarf and I actually did.  I took all of my sexual frustration these past few weeks and made a "hey let's hook up" scarf basically.  Forest green with his initial monogrammed into it.  But it needed to be washed/conditioned before I could give it to him, since it's wool.  And it didn't dry in time, so I left it in my car overnight instead of giving it to him the first day.  I was gonna give it to him along with some money for drugs, but his "guy" didn't come through so I just left it in the car to dry.  (that was the other disappointment- we were supposed to trip together this weekend but it fell through)

I honestly know that if I'd just given it to him that night, I wouldn't be writing this now.  Because he totally got it, because he "gets" me.  And I "get" him, so I knew that making him this would be the perfect expression of "I hear you. You are important to me."  Even if I can't respond well verbally when he's unloading his insecurities, I wanted him to know I thought about him and I wanted to do something.  And he knows it's hard for me to feel or express a feeling when I do have one, so acts like that are the best I can do sometimes.  Most times.

He flipped the fuck out when I gave it to him.  He always says such sad shit, so this time it was "No one's ever made me something before!" which is probably true.  He's been kicked around a lot.  But it looks totally hot on him, so that's a bonus.

Anyway after that I had a pre-planned meetup with a different friend, and I'd been looking forward to it for WEEKS so despite wanting to bask in Moose's gleeful/loving face and drink it in, I had to leave pretty immediately.  And by the time I came back, he'd had to go.

The plus side is, after that he used a pet name with me that I'm pretty sure was flirtatious.  I totally failed at responding, but he said we should hang out tomorrow.  So here's hoping I read it right and the plan for tomorrow is what I'm thinking it is. (and not the usual plan of watching anime for 5 hours)  I'm so anticipatory right now, it's insane.  But I felt that way leading up to the weekend (after hearing that katie wasn't staying) and nothing happened there either.

Everyone cross your fingers.   Or sit in silent judgment.  I don't give a fuck :)
About this Entry
green lady
Feb. 15th, 2013 @ 07:41 am Oh jesus.
I came on because I wanted to.... wow the posting thing is all fucked up and I can't even see this first line at all.  Hmmm okay.

Here we are.  Well anyway one of my lovely Canada friends was reccing me some comms and I checked them out.  I have a lot of free time so I think it's a good time to get emotionally invested in something meaningless again.  Though.  I don't think I have that teenage ability to just throw myself into RP again... we'll see.

But yeah.  I'm about to apply for BostonSecond, which is small.  I think I like that.  Unless they don't have anyone playing on the eastern timezones.... then I don't like it.  I think I'm going to play Scarlett J. .... weird.  I feel like I'm still not over some weird shit from when I was a teenager first getting into this.  I think I gave something of myself away that I never meant to.  Maybe that's why things have been so weird for me.  But whatever it was that I got rid of, I want to do it again.  Like, very very badly.  I have a feeling that it was the line between real life and fantasy world, and if that were to blur a bit right now I think it'd be OK.  I can't even separate some people from how I remember their characters, and it's weird to think that this was at LEAST 3 years ago now, more like 5 or so for most.  They probably don't even play, but I wonder if they think about me and remember me as I was.  That's a scary thought actually.  Hopefully they just don't think about me.


Anyway, everything's changed but I'm still the same person.  Living in Japan now, but really life just goes on as per usual.  I don't have much to say about it.

I didn't even mean to post here, I was just trying to get into all of my accounts and see if any were useable for this new comm.  (they aren't)  And then I just had to look at my FP and you know how it goes....

actually my FP is kind of a wasteland... sad.  People move on but maybe they come back again some day.
About this Entry
green lady
Apr. 22nd, 2012 @ 10:25 pm (no subject)
Monday:
- Rats at 9am
- LL Lab
    print JET stuff
    print shipping labels
- ship BOS, Rollergirl, Blanket, Gift Card, Bath and Body Listia
- go to Doctor (Physical, Urine Analysis, TB test)
- call embassy to ask about departure city
About this Entry
green lady
Mar. 13th, 2012 @ 01:08 pm (no subject)
To do:

- sell at bookmans
- go to cold stone
- buy witch hazel
- work thesis

:(
About this Entry
green lady
Apr. 12th, 2011 @ 12:35 pm (no subject)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na

Drugs, gimme drugs, gimme drugs, I don't need it
But I'll sell what you got, take the cash and I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall, hit the gas, kill them all
And we crawl and we crawl and we crawl, you be my detonator

Love, gimme love, gimme love, I don't need it
But I'll take what I want from your heart and I'll keep it
In a bag, in a box , put an X on the floor
Gimme more, gimme more, gimme more, shut up and sing it with me

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(From mall security)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(To every enemy)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(We're on your property)
Standing in V formation

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Let's blow an artery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Get plastic surgery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Keep your apology)
Give us more detonation

More, gimme more, gimme more

Oh, let me tell you about the sad man
Shut up and let me see your jazz hands
Remember when you were a madman?
Thought you was Batman and hit the party with a gas can

Kiss me, you animal

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(You run the company)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/my-chemical-romance-lyrics/na-na-na-lyrics.html }
(Fuck like a Kennedy)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(I think we'd rather be)
Burning your information

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Let's blow an artery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Get plastic surgery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Keep your apology)
Give us more detonation

And right here, right now
All the way in Battery City
The little children raise their open, filthy palms
Like tiny daggers up to heaven

And all the JuV halls and the Ritalin rats
Ask angels made from neon
And fucking garbage scream out "What will save us?"
And the sky opened up

Everybody wants to change the world
Everybody wants to change the world
But no one, no one
Wants to die

Wanna try, wanna try, wanna try
Wanna try, wanna try, now, I'll be your detonator

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Make no apology)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(It's death or victory)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(On my authority)
Crash and burn, young and loaded

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Drop like a bullet shell)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Just like a sleeper cell)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(I'd rather go to hell)
Than be in a purgatory

Cut my hair, gag and bore me
Pull this pin, let this world explodeNa, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na

Drugs, gimme drugs, gimme drugs, I don't need it
But I'll sell what you got, take the cash and I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall, hit the gas, kill them all
And we crawl and we crawl and we crawl, you be my detonator

Love, gimme love, gimme love, I don't need it
But I'll take what I want from your heart and I'll keep it
In a bag, in a box , put an X on the floor
Gimme more, gimme more, gimme more, shut up and sing it with me

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(From mall security)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(To every enemy)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(We're on your property)
Standing in V formation

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Let's blow an artery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Get plastic surgery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Keep your apology)
Give us more detonation

More, gimme more, gimme more

Oh, let me tell you about the sad man
Shut up and let me see your jazz hands
Remember when you were a madman?
Thought you was Batman and hit the party with a gas can

Kiss me, you animal

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(You run the company)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/my-chemical-romance-lyrics/na-na-na-lyrics.html }
(Fuck like a Kennedy)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(I think we'd rather be)
Burning your information

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Let's blow an artery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Get plastic surgery)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Keep your apology)
Give us more detonation

And right here, right now
All the way in Battery City
The little children raise their open, filthy palms
Like tiny daggers up to heaven

And all the JuV halls and the Ritalin rats
Ask angels made from neon
And fucking garbage scream out "What will save us?"
And the sky opened up

Everybody wants to change the world
Everybody wants to change the world
But no one, no one
Wants to die

Wanna try, wanna try, wanna try
Wanna try, wanna try, now, I'll be your detonator

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Make no apology)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(It's death or victory)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(On my authority)
Crash and burn, young and loaded

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Drop like a bullet shell)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(Just like a sleeper cell)
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
(I'd rather go to hell)
Than be in a purgatory

Cut my hair, gag and bore me
Pull this pin, let this world explode
About this Entry
green lady
Mar. 30th, 2011 @ 06:06 pm (no subject)
Ohhhh jesus.

When I sent out my honors proposal to the class, I also sent it to my parents, grad student, and mentor.

When Noah sent out his, he copied my email list, and added his mentor.

When someone else in class sent out an FYI, they copied Noah's list....

So now my parents & PI & grad student are effectively receiving all of the correspondence for the class. I just sent out an email asking people to remove the irrelevant email addresses, so hopefully that fixes it.

I should of blind-copied them instead of putting them in the "to" section, but hindsight is always 20/20....
About this Entry
green lady
Mar. 22nd, 2011 @ 09:24 am Writer's Block: A barrel of laughs
Who is the funniest person you know, and why?


My high school bff Tia! We developed pretty much identical humor, so we just bounce off of each other. She's the only one I can send a creeper-pic of someone on the bus, with simply "LATFH!", and she'll respond... and 20 minutes later I miss my bus stop because I'm too amused by our text conversation about whether he has a hammer in his manpurse!

Or yesterday I was walking in the cold rain, and she randomly sent me a Kamehameha wave :D
About this Entry
green lady
Mar. 19th, 2011 @ 03:06 pm (no subject)
nearly forgot to post this! I got to find out what it's like being on the receiving end of racial awkwardness the other day! There was a mixed black & something else (asian?) girl on the bus who wanted to know where I got my hair done, and was trying to say "do they only do white girl hair you think?" but couldn't find the words to spit it out. It was hilarious. She actually said "white ... I mean ... of European descent..."

I nearly laughed my bum off. She was TOO nice, but it was cute.
About this Entry
green lady
Feb. 7th, 2011 @ 02:18 am (no subject)
Am I really the only one obsessed with this song / keri? She is SO FUCKING PRETTY and the fact that she does all these classic outfits etc makes the song seem so much less bitchy.





Gaaahhh I could watch this all day.
About this Entry
green lady